While talking with KittyWilde, AedanRayne and Lolli the other day on twitter the conversation was brought up to tell a person you are dating that you are in the adult industry and whatever comes along with that conversation…
Lots of people commented on this and I read a handful…I saw mostly non industry people saying to “tell them right away! why hide the truth!” “be honest and up front so you know they can handle it” “they may not trust you if you don’t tell them right away” and so on and so forth.
Then I saw a mixed review from some industry people but KittyWilde and Lolli came close to how I feel on this subject. And yes I have dated a handful of people during my time in the adult industry and feel (haughty haughty nose in the air) that I can gauge a good opinion on the situation.
I have had a wide range of reactions from people. Let me start with one where I was in a steady ish relationship and lived with the person so they were to know naturally. We knew each other well enough that is was something we assimilated into our lives rather than let get between us in any way. Long story short, it turned out fine, the person was apprehensive but curious in many ways…lets stop there. haha.
Moving on to another person I dated (again) that I had known since a young teenager. It was a reaction of “Why don’t you do something else, like your art?” but he was perfectly fine with the money I made and spent on him or whatever we decided to go and do. It’s okay sugar mamma for now but give it up someday okay? Dick… fuck you 🙂
*I’ve never been one to have a guy tell ME what to do LOL shocking huh? I just would break up with them. If I’m not the center of attention and in control you can trot on out of the arena*
This one is good…I casually dated a piano player. Good times we were both artistic so it was fun. But I had ideas that he was having relations with his ex gf on the other side of the state when he went home and even though we were never close to being official I don’t share. He thought it was great and would show pictures of me to all his friends… yay? Not so much. At the time I ignored it. Now I would be like my business is my business and if I share with you, you don’t share with all your friends. I will call this “I feel like a cool guy syndrome” Not the biggest fan of that.
I will end with one last guy I dated very briefly and you will see why. He could call me a prostitute (he did not mean that in a nice way) one minute (of which I have nothing against this type of adult but honestly have never done) and than the next he loved me so much and wanted to stay the night. What? Now I can laugh, at the time it was very confusing and emotionally damaging to be treated so bi polar in that manner. I cut all things off with him as he also had a drinking problem that would spur his meanness on as well. None of these things I knew about beforehand but found out very quickly. And left.
So there you have it, four people I dated in the past 7 years. I don’t do much dating these days. Mostly focused on center and taking care of my own. But the reactions from people vary drastically. From cool let me show all my friends, to you are a whore but lets be together…sometimes…all the time…you prostitute you!
Before I leave here, I will touch on the comments of the non industry people. First off, telling someone on the first, second or third date that you are in adult is pretty presumptuous. You don’t know each other that well, how do you know he isn’t some serial killer or will stalk you if the dates don’t continue? Or tell all his friends about your private life. Neither of these situations benefit you.
Maybe the best conversation starter would be “Do you like porn” you know…if you decide to enter the bedroom together. Gauge how he feels about that and what he likes to watch.
Shut the fuck up, don’t be coy. Most people these days are fucking before they even get out of whatever place they met at. (I don’t do that. Never have never will because I like a healthy vagina) I even know people who ask a potential partner for a clean STD test before entering into sexual relations. (not a bad idea at all) But this is not about that. SO. Asking about porn if you are sexually active with someone should not be embarrassing. Especially if you’ve had their dick in your mouth.
Secondly telling someone on the first, second or third date about such a “taboo and sometimes touchy subject” you don’t know each other well, there is no basis for he or she to stay with you if they are on the fence. Would probably still go sour fast without any grounding to explore and see how things would work out.
Lets have a fake (reality based) conversation for a minute. First date. Girl does porn.
Woman: Hey just want to let you know, I’m in porn, I have sex for a living. Is this okay?
Man Answer 1. Wow, yes, perfectly fine, no worries at all. (man in back of his mind, I can’t wait to see where this goes tonight, caaachoowww, going to tell allllll my friends! maybe even my mama!)
Man Answer 2. Um, well, my family is Catholic. I’m celibate till marriage… (Goes to bathroom and never returns)
Man Answers 3. Oh my god she probably has AIDS! (no I don’t think this of industry people but most non industry people are very naive that performers are tested every TWO WEEKS! Results are shared on a private date base and any issues are taken care of. When was the last time you were tested?)
Man Answer 4. Wow, can I see some of your work, so beautiful. What’s your five year plan? Marriage? Kids? (you can take this as creepy or genuine interest)
Let me tell you, most likely you are going to get the first three answers when you don’t know someone well at all.
I think you should have a steady 6-10 dates under your belt and maybe a good sex romp or two before bringing it up. (Show them a clean STD test! Yay for responsibility!) I do NOT think not letting such information lose right away is lying. If someone understands and knows where you are coming from at all they will completely understand that your safety and privacy come first over someone you do not know very well. And I know most you girls (maybe guys) have a good background story you tell most people who ask about your work. For me I would simply say I’m an artist.
I don’t believe hiding behind a veil forever because you are in adult is healthy but it is the cold hard truth that telling people such sensitive information can lead to reprocussions. Even just friends. I had a girl friend (case in point-that I did not now very long) who was totally cool with it when I told her and than 6 months later tells me GOD LOVES ME and I don’t have to do “this”.
By the way that is my favorite meme of all time. *laughs so hard*
The moral of this story is to choose your timing wisely. Surround yourself with positive, understanding and open minded people. I grew up in a religious home so what I do is very off the beaten path compared to what family would have preferred to see. But they love me just the same and my friends have stayed by my side throughout everything and I’ve learned to date and stay with someone who loves ME and isn’t here for my income, the sex or “who I’m online”. Know that a person can be that for you, before sharing everything.
That is my 2 cents and I’m sticking it in my piggy bank… Ciao!
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