Category Archives: comedy

Porn, it’s everywhere

Even at the doctors office.
While you are getting an ultra sound with one of those wand type instruments that they try to refer to as a tampon (maybe a ultra absorbent tampon? that is 4 ft long?)
Damn, I’m tight. I was allowed the joy of inserting this device myself.
Even with lube I was like, shoving, this device where it was suppose to go.
Que end of horniness for quite some time.

Anyways.
We get on the topic of my art business and shes asking me lots of questions which I so kindly answer. Discussing my contract with stores, other opportunities being on Etsy has brought me.

Then.
Out of left field, she starts talking about her hands and feet and how nice they are-and even her pedicurist tells her every time. And how did I get noticed? Did I submit to an angency?

Vearing back to right field, how does landscape nature art have anything to do with being a foot model I don’t know…

Back to left field. She starts to discuss how she was looking up how to be a foot model and I would not believe everything she came across. “some really creepy stuff” she says. I’m smiling, laughing…she probably thinks she made me nervous when in reality. HELLO. LMFAO. What is my other career?!?!? I can barely contain my laughter even now. As she is waving around this wand before I’ve inserted it.

She said “…and then I thought, well maybe, you know how you see on late night cable -which we don’t usually watch or have a lot of- that one women who made a living off her feet for all these perverts. So I kind of thought about it…”

Me…”you should try it, why not”

She said…”well I just got married 6 months ago-was  married for 30 years then got divorced- I did mention it to my husband and he was like Oh maybe but I just, I don’t know. I don’t think I could do it.

Me… Yea, you never know what people like out there. People love feet, you should try it. -laughs

She says “well, I wonder how I would even submit to a legit agency for that, not the creepy ones…Hmm what would I do, how would I do that?”

Yep, she is asking ME how to submit her feet and hands to a modeling agency. I politely said well if you have a smart phone with a decent camera or a digital take some photos and send them to an agency.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Maybe I should have different business cards made up…. MistressVikki’s Porn Career Counseling

I just can’t even take the irony of the topic of conversation with the doctors office ultra sound tech. I’m laughing an hour later. Like…what? Did I just have a conversation about foot fetish porn with a random lady. LOL. 

And then I encouraged her to get into it.

HAHAHAHA. 

Where are the reality television crews when you need them? Oh that’s right…I said no to that gig. LOL. shit.

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One of the funniest responses of 2014.

Remember everyone, cleanliness is next to godliness.

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A 10 minute video does not take me….10 minutes.

I think when people see a certain price charged for a custom video, or a pre recorded clip they think “that is expensive”. Well sure, but expensive and quality usually run hand in hand if you know what you are looking for.

When I go to create a custom video for example, I’ve sat down, read the email, thought about if it would be a good match for my own interests and comfort level. Then once I agree to it, making sure payment is made and carving out the perfect time to record. No outside or inside noise interference, having the right lighting, right atmosphere, the correct props, make up done, hair done, lotion applied, all skin smooth, nails done, recording room clean, computer working, cam working, sound working and in the correct out fit and making sure I hit all points in the video that one has purchased.

By now, these things alone, have taken me at least 2-4 hours depending on if I needed to order something specific, set up a different area to record in etc.

Now I’m finally in front of my computer and ready to record…Then I hear a plane overhead…So I wait. Now it’s gone. Then my sun light changes. Waiting again. Oh now I’m thirsty and I need to re apply my chap stick, lip stick and lip gloss. Oh shit is that a tampon string hanging out of my panties?

(that was just for a laugh, if you are grossed out, read this:)

Moving on. Finally I’m pressing start. Right next to the video or written on a piece of paper (oh another step I forgot to include up there!) are certain lines, phrases, points of interest I need to hit to make sure the video turns out how it is suppose too. So while I’m recording I need to make sure this all flows how it is suppose too. I need to not mess up while talking, choke on my own breathe or spit (yes this happens HAHA) and say everything I’m suppose too.

This all requires being in a certain frame of mind overall. One can not record if sad, upset or raging PMS. Well, maybe some girls do, but I make sure I’m really feeling what I’m about to do so that it’s the best of me. Of course, I’m always reading new books, articles, forums etc to learn anything I can about my interests in kink, fetish and erotica. I’m all about self education.

Moving on again. I’m finally done, maybe I had to stop and start over sometimes because of noise I cant control (fucking lawn mowers!!) or the video system itself decided to take a vacation. (pouty face) or I forgot to say the persons name…or I said the wrong name. Yikes. haha.

Finally…finally I’m really done now and I watch the video, make sure I did everything I was suppose too and then send it on it’s merry way to the new owners. Then I wait eagerly to make sure the person liked it (yes I do care, shocker!) I like to know you received your video and that you enjoyed it. That does not include a photo of your dicklet. Thank you.

I’ve also been in the adult world since April 2008, so I’ve been perfecting my craft for 7+ years now. That also comes into play with how I record and make sure I’m putting out great videos and new ideas.

It really took me about 3-5 hours to read, prep and accomplish your custom 10 minute video.
The End.

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Things you should be prepared for when you enter the adult online industry…

You think you have a little secret. Since you are on the internet, maybe using a different name, who is going to know it’s you? That wig from the local chop shop hair store will help, along with those smokey bedroom eyes. Right?

W.R.O.N.G.

Prepare yourself. Grandma may find out. Daddy’s little girl is going to take on an entire new meaning. And the kid you went to high school with who never spoke 10 words to you in the 4 years you spent in the same building, all of a sudden asks you to hang out-10 years after you’ve left high school. (*raises eyebrow -pukes in nearest trash can-)

Some people are not going to be okay with your new found nudist camp. Myfreecams. Streamate. Camwithher etc. Or that anyone on gods green earth has access to what some people think is the most intimate thing of your entire being. Your naked body. Your willingness to tease, taunt and make a living off erotica. You may lose a few friends, you may gain some others. Keep yourself around open minded people, be what makes you happy. The strong survive regardless of this…but there are other factors.

Are you okay with someone else probably telling your parents/friends/work colleagues what you do online? Because let me tell you. The vindictiveness of other girls in the industry can be highly worse than an over zealous fan. Be careful who you chose to share yourself with, I don’t (only) mean “customers”. I mean those other girls who want to befriend you. There could be multiple reasons for so. Spreading your personal information. “Stealing” (or trying too) your supporters. Getting to know you to in turn try to air your dirty laundry and make you out to be some vagabond. Spreading false lies to in turn gain something for themselves.

Canter around social media sites, a girls chat room etc. How long has she been around? Does she seem to play nicely with other females? Who else has she worked with on cam/in adult? (and what do you know about those people) Cross reference. Research. Does she have frequent mental break downs for the entire world to see? Yikes. Hide your kids, hide your wife! Not everyone you think is a good friend, is indeed a good friend. Use common sense. Mind your own business. I mean that in many ways. Mind your own BUSINESS, so it grows. The more positive you are and careful who you surround yourself with for support and collaboration the better off you will be. Don’t let negative people suck you energy or motivation. Doing so, the more successful you will be. And when you think you’ve found a chocolate chip (friend) and instead it’s a raisin (foe) you can learn that lesson and be more careful. Hint: I had to learn this lesson.

That being said, there are still great women/men in the adult industry and I’ve learned to surround myself with those that are positive, uplifting and willing to make this career-even with all it’s extra things to consider-work out. Once you’ve been on the internet for awhile you kind of learn a 6th sense. I don’t even have to talk to someone to read their vibe-over the internet. I can just tell. Treed carefully when you are starting and work on you and your business. Take care of you and yours. Everything else is irrelevant.

Neigh Neigh.

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Dating when you are an adult model …. :O

While talking with KittyWilde, AedanRayne and Lolli the other day on twitter the conversation was brought up to tell a person you are dating that you are in the adult industry and whatever comes along with that conversation…

Lots of people commented on this and I read a handful…I saw mostly non industry people saying to “tell them right away! why hide the truth!” “be honest and up front so you know they can handle it” “they may not trust you if you don’t tell them right away” and so on and so forth.

Then I saw a mixed review from some industry people but KittyWilde and Lolli came close to how I feel on this subject. And yes I have dated a handful of people during my time in the adult industry and feel (haughty haughty nose in the air) that I can gauge a good opinion on the situation.

I have had a wide range of reactions from people. Let me start with one where I was in a steady ish relationship and lived with the person so they were to know naturally. We knew each other well enough that is was something we assimilated into our lives rather than let get between us in any way. Long story short, it turned out fine, the person was apprehensive but curious in many ways…lets stop there. haha.

Moving on to another person I dated (again) that I had known since a young teenager. It was a reaction of “Why don’t you do something else, like your art?” but he was perfectly fine with the money I made and spent on him or whatever we decided to go and do. It’s okay sugar mamma for now but give it up someday okay? Dick… fuck you 🙂

*I’ve never been one to have a guy tell ME what to do LOL shocking huh? I just would break up with them. If I’m not the center of attention and in control you can trot on out of the arena*

This one is good…I casually dated a piano player. Good times we were both artistic so it was fun. But I had ideas that he was having relations with his ex gf on the other side of the state when he went home and even though we were never close to being official I don’t share. He thought it was great and would show pictures of me to all his friends… yay? Not so much. At the time I ignored it. Now I would be like my business is my business and if I share with you, you don’t share with all your friends. I will call this “I feel like a cool guy syndrome” Not the biggest fan of that.

I will end with one last guy I dated very briefly and you will see why. He could call me a prostitute (he did not mean that in a nice way) one minute (of which I have nothing against this type of adult but honestly have never done) and than the next he loved me so much and wanted to stay the night. What? Now I can laugh, at the time it was very confusing and emotionally damaging to be treated so bi polar in that manner. I cut all things off with him as he also had a drinking problem that would spur his meanness on as well. None of these things I knew about beforehand but found out very quickly. And left.

So there you have it, four people I dated in the past 7 years. I don’t do much dating these days. Mostly focused on center and taking care of my own. But the reactions from people vary drastically. From cool let me show all my friends, to you are a whore but lets be together…sometimes…all the time…you prostitute you!

Before I leave here, I will touch on the comments of the non industry people. First off, telling someone on the first, second or third date that you are in adult is pretty presumptuous. You don’t know each other that well, how do you  know he isn’t some serial killer or will stalk you if the dates don’t continue? Or tell all his friends about your private life. Neither of these situations benefit you.

Maybe the best conversation starter would be “Do you like porn” you know…if you decide to enter the bedroom together. Gauge how he feels about that and what he likes to watch.

Shut the fuck up, don’t be coy. Most people these days are fucking before they even get out of whatever place they met at. (I don’t do that. Never have never will because I like a healthy vagina) I even know people who ask a potential partner for a clean STD test before entering into sexual relations. (not a bad idea at all) But this is not about that. SO. Asking about porn if you are sexually active with someone should not be embarrassing. Especially if you’ve had their dick in your mouth.

Secondly telling someone on the first, second or third date about such a “taboo and sometimes touchy subject” you don’t know each other well, there is no basis for he or she to stay with you if they are on the fence. Would probably still go sour fast without any grounding to explore and see how things would work out.

Lets have a fake (reality based) conversation for a minute. First date. Girl does porn.
Woman: Hey just want to let you know, I’m in porn, I have sex for a living. Is this okay?
Multiple Answers.
Man Answer 1. Wow, yes, perfectly fine, no worries at all. (man in back of his mind, I can’t wait to see where this goes tonight, caaachoowww, going to tell allllll my friends! maybe even my mama!)
Man Answer 2. Um, well, my family is Catholic. I’m celibate till marriage… (Goes to bathroom and never returns)
Man Answers 3. Oh my god she probably has AIDS! (no I don’t think this of industry people but most non industry people are very naive that performers are tested every TWO WEEKS! Results are shared on a private date base and any issues are taken care of. When was the last time you were tested?)
Man Answer 4. Wow, can I see some of your work, so beautiful. What’s your five year plan? Marriage? Kids? (you can take this as creepy or genuine interest)

Let me tell you, most likely you are going to get the first three answers when you don’t know someone well at all.

I think you should have a steady 6-10 dates under your belt and maybe a good sex romp or two before bringing it up. (Show them a clean STD test! Yay for responsibility!) I do NOT think not letting such information lose right away is lying. If someone understands and knows where you are coming from at all they will completely understand that your safety and privacy come first over someone you do not know very well. And I know most you girls (maybe guys) have a good background story you tell most people who ask about your work. For me I would simply say I’m an artist.

I don’t believe hiding behind a veil forever because you are in adult is healthy but it is the cold hard truth that telling people such sensitive information can lead to reprocussions. Even just friends. I had a girl friend (case in point-that I did not now very long) who was totally cool with it when I told her and than 6 months later tells me GOD LOVES ME and I don’t have to do “this”.

By the way that is my favorite meme of all time. *laughs so hard*

The moral of this story is to choose your timing wisely. Surround yourself with positive, understanding and open minded people. I grew up in a religious home so what I do is very off the beaten path compared to what family would have preferred to see. But they love me just the same and my friends have stayed by my side throughout everything and I’ve learned to date and stay with someone who loves ME and isn’t here for my income, the sex or “who I’m online”. Know that a person can be that for you, before sharing everything.

That is my 2 cents and I’m sticking it in my piggy bank… Ciao!

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Cam Girl Tip Tuesday

Welcome to a new series on my blog! Every Tuesday I’m going to give cam/adult models tips I’ve learned over the years. I can’t give it all away but I can share a little bit *wink

Complaining.Bitching.Whining.
C O N S T A N T E L Y
Is horrible for your own self esteem and your business.
Everyone has a bad day BUT to tote about it on twitter on the daily is going to lose you credibility. Contrary to popular belief on social media, you do.not.need.to.share.EVERYTHING!

There are many days and many instances in my life that I would love to have a social media breakdown. Or even here on my blog. I even go so far as to type entire blogs out that I than delete because I realize that is not who I want to be. Being positive in the face of adversity will help you climb out of whatever hole you are in much faster than being negative. This is something I work on and evolve even for myself. BE POSITIVE. Not every day is going to be a good day, personally, publicly or on cam. Realize that is the time, hour, day or maybe a week or month that you need to regroup inside your mind and protect your mental health.

Remember why people come to see you online. They want a break from their own day or their own reality for a little while. YOU are the entertainment they choose to follow, support and spend maybe their hard earned fun money on. If you are not being fun, that fun money probably won’t come your way long. Maybe at first in a way of pity but in the long run people will find someone else who has a smile, a positive message and a good attitude to latch onto. Positivity ATTRACTS people, ideas and general awesomeness.

So get out there, be positive, take days off when you need and always think “Do I need to post that my BMW has a scratch wah wah wah?!” when I could leave that out and say “LOVE YOU GUYS THANKS FOR EVERYTHING!” and your followers will smile as you both had a positive impact on each others days. yay! *highs fives you all*

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Sister talk… *behind the scenes*

Brooke: “I don’t really like when the meat is hanging over…”
Vikki:  “Uh…what? LOL

*hamburgers*

Vikki: “Do you ever look up at the sky and think, I’m on something ROUND, spinning…AROUND?!?”
Brooke: “Uh what…LOL”

*Seriously, look up at the sky and realize the insanity and beauty of the world! Sky PORN*

Vikki: “Did we really just spend two hours in this store and decide not to buy anything in the cart?”
Brooke: “I’m getting a broom? That’s practical right…?”

*Yes Brooke, sooo practical…*

Brooke: “Wait…you separate your “work” underwear from your “everyday” underwear.
Vikki: “Yes…I thought you would too?”

*Now Brooke has separated her undies into sexy and every day. Plus one for helpful organization*

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