I got to my hotel Friday night this past weekend and was like, well they have a spa here, I deserve a massage. right? RIGHT. A phone call is made, I get ready, I go downstairs. I’m like whew okay this will be a great start to the weekend. The fact that I’m even writing about this tells you that it was not. But wait…oh just wait for it.

I fill out the paperwork they make you do. Checking no on pregnant with an inner sigh of relief -sigh- and soon I’m in the lounge waiting room. Thinking to myself…I hope this is good. I need good. Knowing I was taking a risk at a hotel that does not count on repeat service of the same person.

My masseuse comes walking in and she is a curvier heavy set lady. This is fine…until we start walking up the stairs to the massage room and she is getting out of breathe (only two flights of stairs okay) I’m pretty sure since my facial emotions always give me away my eyes were getting wider and wider by the second. We get to the room and shes like “Wow those stairs really get me sometimes you know at the end of a long day and all”. I’m already thinking “Shut up, long day? This is MY time to relax lady I don’t care about your day”. Do I think that is bitchy to think, NO, a massage is to relax I don’t want you to talk and I don’t want you breathing like a horse that just ran all rounds of the triple crown.

Now I’m starting to begin to think this really was a mistake. It just gets worse…or better. However you want to see this predicament. She asks me a few questions, I answer. She pulls back the blanket and says “oh no I forgot the other sheet for the top…well I guess we can make do with just the blanket”… Uh ya sure. I should have ran at that point and faked an illness.

She leaves the room, I get laid down. She comes in and starts to roll me off the table…I mean massage me. Lord in heaven I thought I was going to go tumbling. She was doing this huge rubbing motions all over my right side I felt like maybe some skin grafts were being done I’m not completely sure. Meanwhile she is TALKING. She is FUCKING TALKING. I keep responding with mmhmm, mmm or anything I can not to actually speak and encourage her mouth vomit. Then she says these glorious words “I almost was going to wash my blanket but I guess the universe decided that for me when they said I had another appointment”

WHAT. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY! The blanket that is on me is NOT WASHED?!?! holy lay me down to sleep and slap me for coming in here.

I’m now TRULY trying to think of a way to get up and say I need to leave. But I have no balls to do so. I really should have…if there is ever a next time of a bad start to a massage I will.

She continues to “massage” me in the weirdest motions by someone who I’m pretty sure does not actually have their massage license. I felt like she was squeezing my neck-I’m sure if I had to endure much longer I would have an anxiety attack. She says “I’ve never massaged someone so petite before” Me again, mmhmm. She asks how the pressure is, I say fine. Then she saks if I want lighter or harder (laughs) I said oh well maybe a little lighter. She then does this “HA HA ha ha ha HA hahaha extended laugh and says well then it’s NOT fine”

O M G. thank god I’m face down on the table or my eyes would be popping out. She keeps using an insane amount of lotion and rubbing it in her hands as if I’m expecting her to pull out a dick at any moment and start jacking off. It’s a distributing sound when one is face down on a table…naked. (yes I wear wearing my MeUndies panties)

She then stops massaging my back, thank god, but moves to my legs. This entire time she is being so rushed and fast. It was completely horrible. Shes massaging my legs…up my leg…up my leg…up my leg…she didn’t stop at my thigh. This woman’s fingers touched my vagina THREE TIMES.

By now I bet you are all wondering how I stayed. I don’t know how I did. I just…feel a bit traumatized. Now I don’t think this was intentional sexual harassment BUT I’m strongly debating an email to the hotel about it all. In a very condensed manner of course. Only you guys get the awesome details (headdesk)

I’m thinking it can’t get any worse. Then she moves to the other side of my back, the left. Then she at one point sits down ON THE MASSAGE TABLE and puts my arm in her lap. OMG. LOL. I was like what is happening here. She says “I find it so funny you said you do a lot of art bigger then yourself, you know you are just so tiny and all” She finds herself so funny here, what this woman does not fucking understand is I meant I do paintings 3 times taller then myself. YOU IDIOT. But of course she really has not listened to anything I said and is self absorbed in her rapid breathing, touching my vagina and sitting on the table I’m laying on.

The massage comes to an end…50 minutes felt like 3 hours. I can’t believe it even happened, I’ve filed it into a small portion of my brain labeled “nightmares”

It cost me $116…with an already added 18% gratuity that I could not get away from. Deep regret of that $116. Probably some of the worst money I’ve ever spent. Happy birthday weekend to me…

-sigh-
-SIGH-
-siiiigggghhhhhhhh-

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